I’ve written about my mother here many times before. So many of you over the past years have been such support for me in the times when I really miss my mother. I wrote about her on Flickr today and will put it behind the cut if you aren’t feeling like you can handle reading this today. I just know that some of you would have wanted to know how I was doing today so I wanted to share it here too.
15 years ago today, my 45 year old mother had a brain aneurysm while we were on vacation in Florida and two days later was taken off life support and passed away. I was 22 years old, and in the months following her death I graduated college with my BA in English and my teaching degree. I was going to be a teacher just like her. In that same year, T. and I got married and decided against having a wedding because if she couldn’t be there I didn’t want to have one.
In fifteen years she has missed so much. I don’t know why this anniversary is hitting me so hard. Last year I think I missed the actual day. There is something about this number this year. Fifteen years. It seems like such a long time ago but yet I remember everything about that night so clearly.
I think about her so much and miss her more than I can even put into words. I watch my kids and just wish she was here to see what amazing human beings they are. I wish she could see me be a mother. I think she would be really proud of me. The kids and I talk about her all of the time. We call her the Angel. We talk about how she comes and visits them at night while they are sleeping. We do silly things like eat things for her. Like the other day I took the kids to the movies and we bought a box of her favorite Snow-Caps and each of us held one up and said, “To the Angel!” before we ate them. But it still breaks my heart that they can’t ever truly meet her. This is the hardest part about her not being here. – never meeting her grandchildren.
It amazes me at almost 38 years old how much I still just miss my mommy and how I want to hug her and hold her hand like I did the morning before she died.
To all of you out there who are lucky enough to still have your mothers in your lives? Do me a favor? Call them and tell them you love them.
83 Comments
Write a Comment»Grief is a weird thing, ebbing and flowing in unexpected ways. Sending good thoughts to you, T., and the kids today–(hugs)
Oh, sweetie. Sending hugs to you and your family.
I really can only offer you a hug. Thinking good thoughts for you.
Sending you hugs. Loss is always hard.
{hugs} i feel that way in how i miss my day. for me 18 years was a tough one. maybe b/c it was more than twice my life he was gone.
and thank you.. am i blessed with my mum still and i should go call her.. it’s been a bit.
*hugs*
I had the 5 year anniversary of my dad’s death in January (coincidentally I also got married the same year and didn’t have a wedding partially because I really didn’t want to have one without him there). It hit me pretty hard this year. I miss him like crazy. Sending you guys good vibes.
Thinking of you.
I absolutely will. And I’ll say a prayer for you and yours.
~xoxo
I read your entry today and I am very sorry for your loss. It’s sort of a weird timing thing - I found out this morning that my grandfather passed away last night, and mostly it has made me miss my grandmother more than ever, even though she passed away in 2000. I’m sending good thoughts your way.
hugs… and then some more of em…
(((((hugs))))) Thinking of you!
I know she is very proud of not only the mother you are, but the person you are. Hugs to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I was 26 when I lost my 46 year old mother. she had a blood clot from a broken ankle it went to her lung. i was three hours away and didn’t home in time. It was compounded by the fact we had just lost my 49 year old father six months before.
So I truly know how you feel today. and here is a (((hug))) for you.
I will call my mum and tell her I love her if someone will call their dad and do the same thing for me.
Thinkin’ ’bout ya girlie.
Sending you lots of love. I know you honor your mom every day. She’s right by your side.
I would feel the same way if my mom couldn’t know my children—that’s how i feel about my grandparents who were so close to my sis and i growing up. I lament about it almost every day and know how you feel. Your mom had so much youth in that pic! What is your dad doing now? What a great/heartfelt story. She shes and feels you and your kids love, don’t worry. xoxo
I’m just weeping, Scout. Weeping for you, and for myself. Oddly enough, I worry about my own death, and leaving my children behind, because I know how lost they would feel. That sounded rather arrogant, but I don’t mean it that way. We’re just very close, and I have so much unfinished business with them both, still. I think about this quite often.
Your post is a very moving tribute to the unfinished business your mother had to leave behind. Thank you for taking the risk to write about it.
That is so wonderful that you have those rings to remind you of her so often. It seems so appropriate to have such beautiful things represent such a beautiful woman. Love and hugs to you.
I’m so sorry. I lost mine pretty young too. And though we didn’t have a close relationship I still miss her. Around her birthday I find myself looking for things she’d like and forgetting she’s gone. It has been over 20 years.
*hugs*
I think you are strong because you have told your children about her. I still can’t. Ugh. I feel so bad and I can honestly say I can understand. It’s awful, isn’t it?
Thinking of you Scout.
I can’t even begin to imagine loosing my mom so suddenly, and so untimely.
You are an amazing mom because of the wonderful role model you had. Each time you laugh with, love and rejoice in your kids it is a tribute to her. She is right there with you for every minute of that joy.
Thank you for reminding me how important my mom is to me.
Your mother looks so much like you and Supergirl. She was beautiful just like the both of you. I’m am positive she is looking down on you and is SO PROUD of you and your family!
((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))) I’m so sorry, I can only compare to the loss of my wonderful, amazing, sweet Grandmother 3 years ago. I can only begin to understand your grief. My thoughts are with you and the family.
I have tears in my eyes. 10 years ago my mother was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm. We didn’t know if she would need surgery or not, live, suffer permanent brain damage, or die. It was the most frightening time in my life, and it changed the course of my life. Thankfully, it was determined that the aneurysm had been there for many years and was stable. Reading your story reminds me how close we came to losing her. I am so sorry for your loss. I can imagine that the pain is still sharp, as I know it would be for me if we’d lost my mom. I’m going to see my mom this weekend and hug her. Thank you for the reminder that we should appreciate the ones we love every day of their lives.
Wow. Your story is so similar to mine it’s a bit scary. I was 17 when my 43 year old mother died of untreated strep throat. The anniversary of her death is March 21st. I’m 36 now with kids of my own and there is hardly a day that passes that I don’t think of the alternate universe where she would know them and be a part of our lives. I can empathize completely.
I’m so sorry, Scout. I’m coming up on 5 years pretty soon. And I know the pain is still bottomless for me. I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes trying to think of little ways I can honor her the way you honor your mom.
i have the same thoughts about my mom. having the kids grow up without ever having met her breaks my heart.
i love that you talk to her and teach your kids to talk about her–that is awesome!
i still have days where i just want my mommy and i have to remember to talk about her more….show pictures.
Hugs to you..
Thinking of you and sending hugs.
I’m sending you lots of love, love, love tonight, sweetie.
This makes me happy that I have my mother here today. She flew in from Tulsa to see Bit’s musical at school (which was canceled) and I am lucky she was able to do this. I can relate to your story in another way though. My grandmother, Mildred, died when my mother was 21, of breast cancer, 6 years before I was born. My mother has many of the same wishes and regrets that you have and has always shared them with me. I have to say though, I have always felt like I knew my grandmother because I came to love her very much through my mother. I can tell you that the super kids love their supergrandmother even if she isn’t there with them. You’re a good mother and I will always be happy to tell you when you need to hear it.
((Scout))
Your mom *does* see you being a mom and I’m certain she’s proud of you and the legacy of love she started.
I don’t know you but I wish I could give you a hug right now. Your post nearly brought me to tears and I am sending all the well wishes I can possible muster in your direction.
She is proud of you, honey, and you and those beautiful babies are keeping her alive in your hearts and minds.
♥
hugs and hugs to you and yours today. I understand everything you were saying,
I always buy myself something I would have bought my dad for Christmas, a beatles book, a cd,
something to just hold on a little longer. I always have chinese food for dinner on his birthday.
just a few more hugs,
joycelyn
Thinking of you. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
{{{{hugs}}}}
I know. Mine’s only been gone a year and a half. I wish I could call her today. But somehow I think they’re still nearby, and that brings me comfort.
I understand your pain. I was 23 years old when my mom passed away. She had Lou Gehrigs disease. It was a long and painful 2 years that she suffered. She was diagnosed with it a few months after I had my daughter. She did get to enjoy a little bit of time being a Grandmother but she wasn’t in good health and it just wasn’t the same. I have had 3 more kids and I think with each one I have missed her even more. I was so young and wasn’t the mom or person I am now. One of the things that I really miss is the fact that I will never get to have that grown up relationship with her like everyone else has with their moms.I was still young. I was still not mature. I was still just a kid myself. I now KNOW what it is like to have a teenager. I now understand why she did so many things that she did. I too miss my mommy on a regular basis. Hugs to you. I totally understand.
She IS there, and she DOES know your kids. It isnot the same as her actually physically being at the end ofa phone line, but she is with you.
My dad passed 12 years ago, and I still talk to him occassionally (albeit, when I am alone so I don’t look crazy). But I do feel his presence and sometimes feel like I get his responses — when those tidbits of “dad wisdom” just popinto my mouth/mind.
Your mom is so proud of you!
I’m 34 and I miss my Mommy (Scleroderma, 2005) and Daddy (Cancer, 2006) too. I hope some day I can make my children feel like they know their grandparents as well as you have.
Very big hugs from very far away!
She lives inside of you, sweetie. I know you know that but maybe hearing it today will help ease your pain a bit. It’s hard and I understand. It will be 10 years this month since my mom died. I count my blessings that I was a bit older than you and that, while cancer sucks, at least it gave us the opportunity to say goodbye and other things.
I’ll hold you in my thoughts today, my friend.
Sending a big **hug**.
I very seldom comment, but wanted to offer support today. My mother (for whom I am caregiver) still mourns the loss of her mother. My mother is 81 and her mother died in 1967. This is all part of being lucky enough to have a mother with whom you shared great love. My sorrow is for those who never knew the love of a wonderful mother. Give yourself permission to mourn and also to celebrate her life. We are nothing without love.
Big hugs, friend. I’m glad you share her with us - it’s a real honor to hear how you love her!
I think people can overcome losing many people in their lives. Miss them of course, think of them every now and then. But your mother? That ache never leaves, it can become tolerable, i suppose, but it never leaves, A day doesnt go by when you dont think of her or want her near. You’ve done well. You’re mother would be proud. You are the same mother to your children as she was to you. She taught you to be a mother. Your children know her through you, I know this because I myself never knew my grandfather. He passed suddenly when my mother was also 22. The stories she would tell my sister and I of him, how he would love us, the things he would do with us, or say, the nicknames he would come up with. I feel I know him. You’ve done well Miss Scout. She lives on through you and your babies and she’s there smiling wishing she could have the snow caps
Beautiful words for your mother…I have an older friend who told me once “We always need our mothers.” I’ll be thinking of you today.
She would be very proud of you. Thinking of you.
I have been thinking a lot lately about grief, and how it is an ongoing, ever-evolving process.
Thinking of you today, girl.
(((hugs)))
I’m deeply sorry for your loss and wixh you some peace and comfort today.
My mother is having surgery today. The most recent in a four year long string of surgeries and rounds of chemo and radiation, she really hasn’t had a break. I know that my son was meant to come into our lives when he did so that he could add some sunshine to our world. While I’m worried for her today, as always, I will remember to thank God once again for every second we all have with my mom.
So sorry that you’re hurting. I understand. My dad’s only been gone 5 months and I still miss him every day. It is so hard to celebrate anything without him. The Passover holiday is coming and I’ve decided to invite as many people as my house will hold so that I can bear it. I guess that we all just do the best we can.
Hey… Thinking of You, a little late in showing up, and sending Peace and Love!
How you include her in your daily life is a gift to your children, You are Amazing!
Jamie, I’m sorry. My heart is with you today. I’m glad you explained how your Mom died because I’ve wondered about that and thought it was a sudden death, as opposed to those that allow time to begin grieving and time for saying goodbye.
My Mom died 5-1/2 years ago. She was 63 years old. She had lung cancer that quickly spread to her brain. I spent 2 weeks with her in the hospital and another 5-6 weeks in the room with her at the nursing home. I slept in the second bed in the room. She wouldn’t let anyone near her, and we all know that nursing homes cannot provide one-on-one care. Even though I spent all that time with my mother, right in the room, helping her through her last days, it still wasn’t enough time to say and do all the things I might have done for her.
One of my wise friends told me this: you really know you’re an adult when both of your parents are gone. So true. My Dad died 6 months after my mother. He had a recurrence of lung cancer, but he died mostly from a broken heart. He was 14 years older than my mother, so everybody thought he would go first. Life is never the way we plan it.
A heart that’s broken open will allow more love to enter at the right time. Perhaps in your case, to love your children more deeply. Bless you.
I am so sorry. And will do.
((hugs)) I so know how it is! I think the way you let your children know about their Grandmother is amazing! I’m sure she’d be proud of you!
I lost my mom 14 years ago and I know what you mean… I still miss her ALL THE TIME.
thank you for writing.
Scout A Virtual Beaf Hug coming your way! You are such a wonderful person–I know that
your mom woudl be very proud of you! Don’t forget that she is always watching and
is with you in your hearts. Someday you will see her again your spirits will be reunited!
Boy, did this post hit a nerve. I’m sure your mom would be so proud of you and of her grandkids. It’s been 19 years since I lost my mom (the anniversary is actually on St. Patrick’s Day), and when I think about how much she has missed out on (and how much WE’VE all missed out on), it takes my breath away. You and your beautful family are in my thoughts today! Big hugs.
(((hugs)))
calling my mother now, even though I talked to her about 2 hours ago. Calling AGAIN because it’s so worth saying over and over
Hugs and peace to you all.
Called Mom, we are doing lunch together tomorrow!
Hugs. I’ve been feeling blue myself today, missing my grandfather who would’ve been 92 today. He passed 17 years ago, but I still miss him. He was more like a father since he and my grandmother also of blessed memory raised me. I don’t think we’ll ever get over missing and loving them.
Hugs to you and your family Scout. Many people said what I was going to say about your Mom being a part of who you are and that she is always there with you and your kids even though you cant see or touch her. I cant imagine how you are feeling because I havent lost a parent. I thank God every day for my Mom. I dont know what I would have done without her in my life. I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug right now. I KNOW that your Mom would be proud of the person and mother that you have become!
I wish that I had a relationship with my mother like you did with your mother. It’s obvious to me that her life meant something, just look at you. I pray that mine means something to my children.
You’d think it would get easier over the years, and in some respects it does…but then you get hit with it again for some reason and the hurt is fresh and new again.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{J}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
hugs to you.
Today would have been my parents 49th Anniversary — if my father were still with us — So this date is particularly hard for me as well.
I don’t think I will ever get over it either….I know what you’re going through and I am sorry
HUGS to you, J OOOOOOOOOO
I wrote a reply to your email on this same anniversary a couple of years ago. My mom also died suddenly of a brain aneruysm. This was 17 years ago in January and I was 29. She was only 52 and the picture of health. I still talk about her to anyone who will listen. I do not have children, but I’m sad that she has never met friends that I’ve met since then. My mom was always a favorite to my friends while I was growing up. Many of them would call her for advice and encouragement when I was in college and older.
I know what you mean about food playing a role. On the Sunday before my mom died, she made a huge pot of vegetable soup and it cooked all day while I visited. It was years before I could eat homemade vegetable soup again and it was always one of my favorites.
I often think of all of the things that we enjoyed doing together. My mom made a special effort to find mutually enjoying things to do together even when I was in my rebellious teen years. One of those things was training our dogs. Now I am involved in competitive dog agility competitions and I was just saying tonight to my cousin that I get so sad thinking of how much fun she would have had doing it too. On her birthday or Mothers day or the anniversaries of other dogs who came before, I always dedicate the day of competition to them. My mom would love that.
At Christmas, I was telling my stitch n bitch group that no matter how old you get, you still do want your mommy and how there is no other person that can make it all better the way she did. I think of her several times a day, every day. Even when I became an adult, having her as a sounding board and my biggest cheerleader is a part that no other person can play. Your mom is the only person on earth who loves you more than she loves herself.
Looking back on the first year after her death, I realize now that I was basically functioning in a fog. I wasn’t able to really talk about her without tearing up for about 5 or 6 years. In the past couple of years, I didn’t dread the anniversary as much as before, and this year I didn’t even realize it was the day because I didn’t know what date it was until later that night. I think that’s a good thing because it means that I’m healing and that’s what she would want. That’s what your mom wants too. The angel is being kept alive in you and in your children, but our moms don’t want us to be sad.
The bottom line is that they raised us to be strong and women, and believe me after burying her, I know that I’ve done the most difficult thing that I’ll ever have to do. You and I have gone on to have happy lives and it’s because they gave us happy childhoods. I am grateful every day that she was my mom. Your mom would be incredibly proud of you too.
I’ll say a prayer for your angel today. Take care-
Terry
Scout - I’m a lurker and customer. I understand. My mom also had a brain aneuyrsm and died 12 years ago. I’m 42 and miss my mommy, too. You are not alone. I know she knows your kids, she’s with you. I firmly believe this. Sorry it is especially hard for you this anniversary. I also know she knows what a good mom you are to your kids. You couldn’t be such a good one without the love your mom gave you and in this way she lives in you. Thinking of you.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I lost my Mom in 1982 to breast cancer. Although I miss her every day, I know she’s with me, as your Mom is with you and your family, too.
My heart is with you today, Scout.
Of course your angel knows your kids - who do you think picked them out
and sent them to you?
It is my biggest regret in life that my Grandmother never met my daughter.
But I know she loves her anyways.
Oddly enough, I don’t think it’s Grandma who watches over Miss Punky as she
sleeps. I think it’s my Dad. I miss him too.
Scout,
I’m with heathers–not terribly religious but i believe your mom could have had a hand in choosing your children and guiding them toward you. i bet she helps you, whether you are conscious of it or not, in the parenting of them as well. that’s as spiritual as i get, but somehow it seems possible to me. cheers,
Stacie
Well, now I’m hysterical. I am fortunate that I still have my mom around, and I can only begin to imagine how heavy your heart is. I am not a religious person, but I believe in angels, and I am sure that your mom is your biggest angel. I am sure she is out there, loving seeing you as a mother, being your kids’ greatest angel as well. I am sure that she is so proud of you.
She would be SO proud of you, Scout. And she would adore your wonderful kids.
What a lovely face she had. She and your Dad look great in that picture.
(((HUGS)))
I know exactly how you feel. Hug.
Scout,
I lost my step-father who was my best friend all of my life 12 years ago next month. He died in my arms the same morning that the Oklahoma Bombings happened. I feel like a whimp that it still upsets me on the level that it does to this day. Time has helped, but I am still not over the way I think I should be. I have unfortunately had many friends die during my life, but for whatever reasons I was able to get past those losses….not this one. I made a decision to contact a medium, and I have an appointment with her next month. For me, I feel this is the only chance I have of possibly working to get over it. It might help for you also.
I think the way you’ve remembered your mother to your children is so wonderful. They will always have those memories and she is very proud of you!
Oh sweetie, I wish I had read this before I saw you yesterday. I would have hugged you so hard…
I know exactly how you feel.
And, your Mom-Angel IS proud of you, you are a wonderful mother, a great friend and a talented artist. What more could she ever want for you, except perhaps, to be there.
Thinking of you. Wishing you well.
hugs to you.
i share the same anniversary date with you.
xoxoxoxo
Oy. Big hugs to you. I’m sorry I am so late reading this. My mother is gone, too. There are so many what-ifs. Wherever she is, I know she loves you all.
My mother had breast cancer a few years ago and I thought that if she died, I would have to soon follow. Thankfully she survived and is doing fine so far. I couldn’t imagine a world without my mother. It doesn’t matter how old we get, we still need a mothers love. Rest assured that your mother is with you and your children always. She is indeed your Angel.
Thank you for sharing those very personal and deep feelings. I really love what you do with your kids to help them know her. That will keep her alive for ever and instill in them the love you had for her. What a fabulous example for them. I fortunately still have my mom and did exactly what you said and called her. It is my grandmother I miss almost every single day. The pain does ebb and flow and my son does know her by the pictures I have around and the stories I tell him. I still wish they could have met. Thinking of you….Feel better
My sister forwarded your blog to me. Your mother lives on inside of you. I can’t imagine what it’s like to not have my Mother, but I do know what it’s like to not have my Father. He passed away in August of 2007 due to respiratory complications and colon cancer. It’s amazing how he was SO a part of what I did as an individual and what we did collectively as a family. I’m just glad that he got to know my 11 month old son. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
fifteen years is a really long time. on april first it will be five years since my dad died. (i was eleven) i understand how you’re feeling and even more. i’m sure your mother is looking down and seeing how great of a mother you are. i hope everyone’s support is helping you at least a little bit.